Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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