GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
