how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
