I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
