i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
