Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
