i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
