I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize