theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
