Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
