My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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