Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
