So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
