I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
