new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
