i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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