ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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