moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
