I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
