Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
