I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
