and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
