Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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