Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Also, beer. Big fan.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
