guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
