fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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