mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
