You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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