Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I would ride that face into the sunset
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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