got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize