This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
