a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
