I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
