i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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