I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Im part way to drunk.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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