I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
