I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
