u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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