Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
