Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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