They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
