I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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