My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
