How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
