My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
