I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
