Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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