I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Boobs speak an international language.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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