pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
