Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize