he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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