my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
40s are totally the cure
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
