We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
