I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
