Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
