new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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