I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
