I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
