your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize