Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
