This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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